Girl, you'll be a woman soon

My baby girl is all grown up. We thought she was "fixed" but apparently she is still broken. She went into heat last week and now i have to ride it out until she's done and we can have her spayed. Look how trampy she is in her hot pink panties. She wiggles out of them and they hang from her tail and she flaunts them in front of all the boys. They grow up so fast. Make sure to notice that I have taught her how important it is to accessorize properly! she matches!

Insurance...those sneaky jerks

In an effort to try and pass the bill to the next guy I got a letter from some group related to my insurance. They said it appears my claim is part of an accident or work related injury. Here is my reply:

Dear I___x,
Today I received your letter of concern over my well-being. Thanks! It feels good to know so many people care. I didn’t even think you would notice one or two little visits to the doctor. But then I noticed you were also under the belief that a third party could be held responsible for my foot affliction. Wow, I don’t know what to say. First, I’m not sure how you think an ingrown toenail could be from an accident or work injury. Curious. If that could happen I bet those people who milk the system would be doing home surgery constantly in an effort to get on disability. Secondly, if you really need to blame a third party, then I guess you could blame my mom for not noticing my shoes didn’t fit. I would say to blame me, but I don’t want to foot the bill. Ha! Get it? Foot? Anyway, I guess you could also blame both of my parents and perhaps grandparents for giving me a genetic makeup that makes my feet huge. While we’re at it, let’s get some money from the shoe companies that make painful shoes and don’t go up to size 11. It’s kind of neglect, right? But then maybe my feet are huge because of all the steroids in meat these days. Oh, we could go on all day. But overall, no, my toenail growing into the side of my foot is simply one of those things that happen and I don’t think we can get someone else to pay for it.
Your friend
Lori

My job fixed my toe!

For years I've done home surgery on my ingrown toenails. I got them from too small shoes on my too giant feet and from smashing them and then picking. Don't pick! Anyway, the toe is almost totally better! Here's what the doctor does:

First he shoved a wooden stabby stick under the nail to drain the gore, then he sliced the length of nail with an x-acto scalpel thing. Then he got cut pliers and YANKED my nail out! I totally could have done that at home with some "cold spray" like they had. I told him I almost had the procedure perfected and he assured me that as soon as i got out of school and had a certificate showing it i could work there.

Its been a month! sorry dudes.

My feelings were so hurt by the raging river that i fell into a deep well of depression. BUT I have returned! Here is a snake to make you happy! Scott saw it in the street on his way home and he single handedly gathered a volunteer who prevented it from being crushed to death. Scott ran home and got some bins so we could take it to the creek. The silly snake decided to slither away slowly, risking life and lack of limb, but he eventually went to live in the kudzu. I estimate his length at about 6 feet or so. My extensive research tells me it is a grey rat snake.

The raging river won

Sunday we went kayaking. not in real kayaks but with those sit on top things. But we didn't get the fun wide sit on tops, we got the skinny ones that flip really easy. And yes, I ate it. Several times in fact! One time I got all tangled up and almost drowned, but not almost to the extent that I really almost drowned, just enough almost to make me be a baby for about 1 minute. Or 2. Anyway, when the boat flipped me, it also sacrificed some of my items to the water. I lost my shorts and my hat. Unfortunately my shorts had my 3 dollars, my credit card, and my driver's license. the loss of the 3 dollars was worst because halfway down the river some entrepreneurs had set up a grill and were selling hot dogs and hamburgers for 2 bucks. Man, I totally could have gone for one of those!
Later on we realized that the sunscreen did not work so well. and by not work so well, maybe not at all in some spots. My ankles are like red glowing beacons. they sizzle to the touch and are swollen like a 4th grade teacher's ankles. Cankles almost. They hurt. I had to take a half day monday because i couldn't move my knees or ankles and it was too comical to stay.
Yesterday I had to replaced my license. Really, the DMV on Candler road is like visiting a third world country. If you are wearing cuff links, on Tuesday, during the day, at the DMV, don't throw your trash on the floor. You want to think you're classy but really the girl in suspender shorts that cut up in her coochy is classier than you right at that point. 3 hours later i have ID!

Oh, and Solacaine is sent from heaven.

Fabric monster

This is only part of my fabric monster. In order to make a magical quilt, I have to dig through each and every bin just about. I have 2 more in the attic and 2 in the sewing room. These hold the big chunks, the trash bag is crap diana gave me, and the ones in the other rooms have small pieces. I haven't bought much in the past 6 months because I seriously need to thin the piles. Its threatening to overtake the stairs soon!

Check this out!

Greg and Leigh had a baby! This is what I made for her. They like modern and I also wanted to use up some scraps and this is what I created! I love it and kinda want a giant one for myself.